Gru Flavus: The Yellow Minion
by This Is Your Trigger Warning
Summary: Do not approach without a firearm.


Yellow. Iconic. Beloved. Hated. Cute. Annoying. Funny. Bland. What does one think when you hear all of these words?

OK, it's probably something along the lines of, "That's not a very interesting way to start off a Fanfic about Minions," or "I don't care, let me get to the lemon section," but I'm talking about a thing. This thing is one that all have feared. Nobody wants to talk about it, even when they have to. The hardened mercenaries, cold assassins, and lunatic furries of the world fear nothing but that thing. What dreams of chronic and sustained cruelty goes into the twisted mind of this thing? What abominable sadists acts would consist of the usual for this thing?

Witnesses from across the globe have testified, having seen these horrific creatures, lucky enough to live. First of the witnesses is a hardened mercenary and bushman, one most people would run away from. It would be oddly ironic to see such a scary man against a fearsome thing.

"C'mon, ya [explicitive], I ain't got all bloody day. The yellow [explicitive] came up to me, and tried to snag my knife. Had to coat him in piss and whack him with my knife. I don't throw jars until I'm against somebody strong. That thing was strong. I barely lived, worst thing I've seen. I've seen poor [explicitive] whacked with beer bottles, sliced up with axes, blasted apart by a minigun, burnt to a crisp, and having their head blown to bits. That's usual for me, bloody everyday stuff. The yellow [explicitive] that tried to get its bloody mitts on me knife, that's not bloody usual, I can tell ya that."

The witness sighed, tipping his hat and glumly adjusting his glasses. "I work with madmen. Complete lunatics, you know, mate. I worked with a jingoistic American that murdered Germans and Poles with explosives because he forgot that World War II in Europe ended! And he's still saner than some of the others! Trust me, for one creature to be this bad," he said, drinking some coffee, "is an achievement in itself. If it's worse than the wildlife in Australia, it's probably a human. If it's worse than my friends, it can't be from this world."

Our next witness is a curious specimin. A female anthropomorphic arctic wolf, whose name would have to be kept anonymous for copyright reasons our policy, has a short story to tell.

"I and my husband, [classified], were going out for a walk with my friend, [classified]. We took a stroll through the cherry trees, talking about our friends (and enemies), making a joke or two (one at my expense), just small talk. Then, we saw a yellow thing with goggles. It looked cute enough, but both [classified] and [classified] held me back. I pushed them out of the way, not knowing that they knew well. The yellow thing ambushed me, and grabbed onto my clothes. [classified] flew in and pecked at it with his beak, before both he and [classified] pulled out their guns and shot it. The area where it grabbed me made me bleed. I had to go home, the two carrying me back.

"Unlike my husband, [classified] is normally a peaceful person. Well, person-bald eagle-thing, but I'm draggin this out. To see him whip out a gun like that made me reconsider my actions. The next day, he was back to his usual self, which meant that it couldn't be that he just snapped. He was protecting me. I felt so stupid, but then my husband told me, that's how they lure people in. I immediately had to tell my daughter and my neighbors, this can't happen to them!"

Unfortunately, not all people are so lucky or able to defend themselves. We interviewed a Koopa general about his total losses to this thing.

"The Koopa Troop is constantly harassed by these yellow [explicitive]. By God, if they're not killing my troops, my name isn't [classified]! To me, they're small fry, but I'm the King of the Koopas. Would be embarassing if they made me try as hard as I did with [classified], that stupid bean. My troops, though, they aren't so tough. They may be tougher than your Joe Schmoe, but they ain't tougher than those things. We had to take our troops from space over! Mandibugs, Topmen, and even a few Swaphoppers just to take out these little yellow pill-shaped monsters. When it takes some of our toughest troops to neutralize that, that's when we know we have a problem. Took about ten thousand last year. That's more than [classified] and green 'stache!"

However, not all witnesses are so cooperative. Some have flat-out denied information on the things.

"What? Thou dare tell me, the almighty Dragonlord, of the attacks that the yellow demons have had on my Monsters? Begone, thou insolent subject!"

Others were too emotionally scarred to answer.

"I just wanna go jellyfishing with my friend, [classified]! He made the best Krabby Patties *sob*!"

Still others could not speak English, making the lack of a translator all the more apparent.

"kek"

Most interesting of all, however, are the supporters of these things.

"I swear, mister, you have all of this bad coverage on them, and they're nothing like what the news says. I'm telling you, they're like pit bulls. Sweetest things out there, still hated by the world because of one or two attacks. Ok, they murdered and mutilated some people. So what, furries do that too and they're socially accepted! I'm telling you, these Minions are not your enemies. They're misunderstood friends."

The Minion, scientific name _Gru Flavus_ , is a terrifying creature to behold. Killing many and injuring many others, this beast has no natural predators outside of firearms and cars. From hardened mercenaries to innocent bystanders, nothing is safe from this horrible creature. It is unknown how they got here, and it is unknown how they will affect the world. One thing is for certain: they aren't leaving anytime soon.


End file.
